REVOLUTION or RESOLUTION? How To Argue Effectively 

It is only in movies or on the telly that you see lives where no one argues and all is sweetness and light. We argue in the office, at home, in the supermarket, online with randoms we don’t know - and of course in our relationships.

Do you define an argument as two people with differing opinions looking for a solution that will work for both parties OR is an argument a battle that needs to be won at all costs because you of course are right and they of course are wrong. 

Resolution or Revolution?

Arguing constantly is exhausting, but sometimes if you need to save a situation or solve a problem you do need to speak up. 

Bad things have a life and energy of their own, and ignoring them will not make them disappear. Pretending that it isn’t there or isn’t happening gives it a life of its own. Many a good relationship dies an early death because no one was willing to say what needed to be said.

There will be, and must be, times when you are not in agreement on a topic and for a relationship to survive and grow that must be sorted.

It is important and necessary. But how do we disagree without anger, shouting, frustration or shutting down?

Before you begin the argument

Here are two very important points to think about on the topic of arguing;

A) Quite often what you think you’re arguing about is not the real issue. Yes, the fact that the toilet seat is up again is the flame that starts the fire - but it’s the “I don’t want to go to your mother’s on my one day off this month” that you’re really mad about.

B) The outcome of the argument is usually determined before it even starts, so here are two questions to ask yourself:

1. Why are you having the conversation?  Do you want to resolve the situation or vent your anger?

2. What do you want the outcome to be? In a perfect world what would the solution look like?

Sorting your mindset

Chances are you aren’t going to say what’s on your mind then the other person is going to immediately nod and say “ok I totally agree”, easy-peasey! This is why what sometimes starts as a simple conversation ends up as a full blown argument.

Try to have reasonable expectations and know that you are going to have to clearly voice these expectations.

• What is on your mind? 
• Why is it an issue for you? 
• What would you like to change/see happen? 
• What do they need to do to make it right?

HOWEVER: Keep in mind that this is going to be a conversation not just you making a speech or giving out orders.

When…Where…How…

When to talk: Not when the person has just walked in the door…Not by text. Not when they are about to fall asleep. Not when they are not yet awake. Not when they are in the middle of putting together an IKEA bookcase or trying to fix the wifi.

Where to talk: In private. Not the pub. Not in front of the children. Not in front of friends or family. Not by text/email/voicenote.

How to talk: Watch the tone. Do not be parental. Do not be loud.

Ready, Steady, Go!!!!!

1. Stop everything else that you are doing.
2. Speak slowly and clearly.
3. Keep your statements short.
4. No one wants to be shouted at.
5. Don’t interrupt.

Learn to listen…

Learning how to talk is one thing, but even more important is learning how to listen. Yes the tone is important, the time is relevant, the where is a factor - but are you really LISTENING?

If you just want to shout - then off you go.  But if you really want to have an effective conversation then you must learn how to listen.

The Count to 2 Rule: When the person stops talking count 1-2 then respond to what they have said. It shows that you were listening and it prevents you from saying something in the heat of the moment that you might later regret. 

Two people not listening just waiting for the other person to finish a sentence guarantees an unsuccessful exchange.

Things to keep in mind…

Try to keep it relatively short and sweet. I will often counsel couples and one or the other will say “he(or she) just goes on and on saying the same thing over and over and I just lose the will to live….”

If there is something you have to say, make sure that it gets said. You will often hear one person saying “Well you never said” and the other saying “Well I didn’t think I needed to!”. If you want something to be heard then you have to be sure that you’ve said it. 

At the end of the conversation leave the door open for more dialogue. Some people (like me) go away, think about the conversation and that is when we say “Oh what I should have said was….!!”

Thank them for their time. “I know this wasn’t easy for either of us and I really appreciate you giving us the time to try to work it through”. 

It is good to end with something like a cup of tea, or a hug, ‘let me run you a bath’ or ‘let’s go for a walk’ - something that just brings you back from what might have been a difficult bit of time for both of you.

Save your ‘arguing’ energy for the important things. “Don’t sweat the small stuff” really is true. If you do find yourself in an argument remember that once you’ve crossed the line you can’t take it back. So even in the heat of the moment be kind - always be kind!